Tale of an Empress Extended Version
Introduction Here is the extended version of The Tale of an Empress. Transcript ''The Entire Program *Huck Narrating: Dear journal; it's me, Huck. I was a little nervous about defeating the Midianites with horns and flashlights but I trusted God anyway. Well, the angel who helped me didn't tell me that. Or maybe he did. It had all started when the victory parade ended and I moved to Babylon. This is where Hamlin, my long-time rival met me since college. He never made his bed. His hair fell off his head. Every time he wants you to take a bath.. You'll know what he'll do. He will call in one of his guards and the guard will turn you purple. Once you get in the bath with your new coating, have him put in a video of Hamlin's life in a VCR. He treats many people because he is a crook. *(A guard swings a mallet into a cymbal as Hamlin hops in and mad organ music plays) *Hamlin: Guards, I'm ready. Bring in my plan and bring in Huck. Word has came from Persia. I'm leading this. *Guard 1: If that action hero clown leaves the safety, we'll be vulnerable. *Hamlin: If we follow the usual patrol route, we'll reach the world's fair by Friday. Once we get the clearing, we'll kill Huckleberry and the empress. *Guard 2: Here's your suspect. *Hamlin: Great. Spread the word. *Huck: I was real nervous about Hamlin. If he follows the usual patrol route, he'll reach there by Friday. Once he gets the clearing, I'll defeat Hamlin. When the smoke clears, Persia will be free. (A guy appears) *Guy: Hello, world. *Hamlin: Huh? A stranger in here? *Guy: I'm gonna help Huck save Persia. Just ask my nephew. (His nephew appears) *Resemblance Guy's Nephew: You got it right. When you and I were young in school, we watched some superhero films. *Guy: My nephew's gonna help Huck save Persia, too. *Hamlin: Are you standing? *Guy: I'm not standing. Ha! I'm Persian! *Hamlin: What are you doing? Send him out! *(Huck is thrown out of Hamlin's palace and runs through Babylon. A wagon filled with canvas drives up and Huck climbs in) *Canvas Man: Well, howdy; Mr. Cuke. (The guy that resembles Millward and his nephew hop in) *Hamlin: We move out as soon as he leaves Babylon! Ready, men? Good. Let's roll! *Horse: Where are you taking him? *Canvas Man: To Persia. Step on it! *(Sirens and alarms) *(The canvas wagon drops Huck off at the palace. Huck knocks on a door.) *Woman: Who is it? *Huck: Ahh, your highness; I was wondering if you could help work for my dad. *Woman: It's 2:30 in the morning! *Huck: He says that whatever he says goes. *Woman: Well, your poppy can help himself! *Huck: Okay. Go to his palace. *Woman: (Angry) THAT'S IT!!! *Huck: Didn't hafta do this but... *(Huck holds a torch walking through the hallway of the palace, dragging the woman) *Woman: Get your filthy hands off of me! Didn't I tell you that it's 2:30 in the morning and your dad helps himself! *(Huck throws woman out) *Woman: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!! *Huck: Want to bet? *(Huck throws a suitcase) *Huck: I can do whatever I want. And don't come back! (Cellphone chiming) Tom. You'd never get to see that. *Tom: (voiceover) Don't ya think that was a little harsh? *Huck: Oh-ho-ho. No way. If she got away with that, no one could listen to neither me or you. *Tom: (voiceover) Well, what'cha gonna do now? *Huck: Looks like my friends are gonna hafta find me a new girlfriend. *Tom: (voiceover) Hmmm. Not bad. (Huck closes cellphone) *(Meanwhile, in the town...) *Workgirl 1: What a great time to work overnight. *(Car screech) *Hamlin: Hello, people of Persia. That pickle, sent out his contact sights, to me. I've bullied Huck since college. *Workgirls: Why? *("Hamlin's Song " plays) *(The next morning, Huck zooms by the gates on his skateboard. Two guards stood guard. Huck is in a very chipper mood) *Huck: Good morning, gentlemen. *(The guards say nothing) *Huck: I guess there's not much to say, eh guys? Seeing how in 2 days you'll be waking up in the Bif from Bumblyburg's stomach. Ha! *(The guards scowl, but remain silent) *Huck: I'm real influental. I might need to work something out for Hamlin and the recruits. *Guard 1: Seems you've moved away from selling turkey jerky and became a vicious, bloodthirsty man. *Guard 2: It's quite disappointing, for us; but not for you. *Huck: Oh yeah. Well, maybe this "wise amiable boy" can arrange for you to take a trip to Bathroom Town - tonight. And be sure to take all your luggage and visit Mr. Never's factory. *Guard 1: What do they make at Mr. Never's factory? *Huck: Toilet paper. *Guard 1: Yes, not the Charmin nor AngelSoft, just plain old toilet paper. *Guard 2: Speaking of toilet paper, I need to poop and then there aren't any poop so... *Huck: Quiet, boys. There won't be any poop left if you buy one of Mr. Never's rolls of toilet paper. Anyways, about Hamlin. He is mean to me. *Guard 1: We should make him watch Attack Of The Giant Beast, The Lone Stranger Forever, Larry's is Go Rumor Weed, The King's Shop in the Hall with a Blueberry, The Explosive Paint and King George and the Toast. *(The guy which resembles Millward and his nephew walk down a village street.) *Resemblance Guy: Now wait a minute - wait a minute... *Resemblance Guy's Nephew: Yeah? *Resemblance Guy: Let me see if I got this. You know what happened last night. Around midnight, Huck came in Hamlin's palace. I emerged in and so did my nephew. And that professor yelled that I was standing. So I said "I'm not standing. Ha! I'm Persian!" (Chuckles) And then that guy drove up in his canvas wagon and we got a lift to Persia. And sirens sounded as he dropped Huck off at the palace. Huck threw out a woman because she wanted to help his dad but it was 2:30 in the morning! Ha-ha-ha! That's a hoot. And right now, it's 10:30. Pretend we have a lunch to go to. *(Loud bellowing) *Huck: Save your breath, men. Here, in Persia, no one can hear you shout excessively loud. Because sound waves cause an atmosphere. It's physics. *Reuben: Oh yeah? What are ''you gonna do about it? *Resemblance Guy: What are you gonna do? Oops! We gotta lunch to go to. See ya later! (Run off) *Prospector: Jude and Karen never got on that canvas truck! *Karen (holds the Wanted poster of Little Jimmy): You got that right. *Jude: Why would Huck throw out a woman for refusing to work? Looks like Karen and I are gonna hafta find him a new girl. (Takes down the "King George and the Ducky" advertisement) *Villager Woman: Put that thing away. And Karen, put up a new poster.) *Karen: Whatever ya say. (Puts up the "Gideon Tuba Warrior/Robin Good/Ballad of Little Joe" advertisement) *Reuben: Hmm... Go and help his father. (Karen puts up the Wanted poster of Little Jimmy, a poster for the Pizza Angel, an advertisement for the Land of Ha's, and another Wanted poster of Morty Bumble) *(A guy known as Morty was helping a person) *Jude: I can show them. (Pulls out a sharp sword and stabs a Persian's...ah...arm.) *Huck N.: And just like that, a big, scary monster named Simon came to try and get that Persian. *Mr. Netterbaum: Uh-oh. (Gas leaks out) You darn it! *Huck N.: He flew into outer space to get away from the Simon monster. He wasn't tall to get him. *Mr. Netterbaum: (On his back was a jetpack) Save My Soul! *Huck N.: He flew really high into the sky and landed on the moon. *Mr. Netterbaum: Where am I? On the moon? *Huck: Hello, people of Persia! I find myself in need of a new girl! *Jude: That's it? Go help him! *Huck: Most of you eligible people must come with me. That means you! And Karen too. (Huck rides off) Alright, many of you. Follow me! *(Several people bow down to stautes of Mayor Asiris) *Asiris: Why should a person kill Huck? *Huck: (storms in) Howdy, strangers. *Asiris: Hello. Why did you leave America? *Huck: An angel didn't tell me that. *Prospector and Men: We're gonna help repaint your palace. *Huck N.: So they got to work. *Asiris: What are you doing? You forgot to buy a new backbone with your skateboard, my boy? *Huck: (Rushes over to an empress and hugs her) I like you a lot. I know that my sidekick, Tom once had a wife who was intelligent and they had a daughter who was slightly less intelligent. When she married me, our families all went to live with you and Tom's wife. One night, while her parents were sleeping, the slighty-less intelligent daughter made a tuba locket. But before we all left, Tom's wife provided for her sister to give her half of the money. A battle started and then she and that daughter were killed. As you know, they were neither intelligent nor slightly less intelligent. My family welcomed me, but not Tom. But I was so compassionate that he sacrified in being my friend and sidekick. *Asiris: Ahem. There's a law that says she will marry a suitor! *Huck: But... but... (He nearly faints) *Huck N.: I didn't keep up with that promise. I was still selfish. I desperately wanted her. But God has a plan for me. He wants me to do what's right. He'll never let me down. *(Huck rushes out back into town square) *Thief: Alright, everyone. This is a stick-up. Don't anybody move. Now, empty that safe. (A man empties a safe) Money, money, money! (Laughs diabolically) I'm keeping this money for myself. (To a Persian) I run every marketplace, booth, department and shop here in Persia. You must know what that means, don't you? *Persian: No.... *Thief: No fruits and vegetables for you. All these produce will be sold to pay for having your money stolen. You're remained to leave homeless. This is no longer where you live. You are to live in the woods. The time for living as a Persian has passed. So no more pretending. (Laughs hysterically) *Huck: (ahem...) Bandit sir, I think you have something that belongs to them. *Thief: Try to make me. *Huck: If that's how you want it. (Climbs up a building) *Thief: What are you gonna do? *Huck: It's not nice to take other people's stuff. (Shakes bandit rapidly) *Thief: Deja vu just isn't strong enough! *(Money falls out) *Thief: I ain't feeling so good. Hey! Hey! Hey! Where're we going? You can't do this! I got rights! Hey! Hey! *Radio in Policecar: Oh no, what we gonna do, the king likes Daniel more than me and you. Oh no, what we gonna do, we gotta get him out of here... *(Thief falls in) *Police Chief: Aah! It's another monster! Oh, I've been looking all over ya, bandit. Keep up the good work! *(A guy known as Howard was working on the poster podium with Karen) *Howard: I'm gonna show him. (Fills a gun and shoots a Persian) *Morty: (Throws Howard onto a boat) I can do something better than making a person go to death. (Steals a slushee) *Huck (stops Morty): You know stealing's wrong. You should pay for that. *Morty: You're right. The greedy oil companies don't give a buck about making my own rules. Other than that, yes, I should pay for it. (Huck hands him a dollar bill) *(Car screech) *Huck: It's Hamlin. That guy hates me. *Hipster Pig: (Blows trumpet) Make way for Professor Hamlin! *Karen, Prospector, Jude and Men: (Put on red glaring eyes and mouthpieces and hold out guns) *Prospector: (Takes off hat) *Hamlin: Hello, People of Persia! I hatched a plot to kill Huckleberry Larry! All you people must come with me. *Huck N.: Frightened people hurried kids into buildings. Scared people ran for cover. But I stood my grounds. *Hamlin: I didn't ask if you were interested. I will be watching from a safe distance. *Huck N.: People were insulting Hamlin. They were telling him to leave. This made him more angry. *Huck: Don't let 'em do it! *Karen: What?! *Prospector and Men: But... but... *Moe: I will kill you, mister. *Jude: Go away! (He throws a slushee at Hamlin) *Huck N.: Hamlin got very, very, VERY mad. He chased me around Persia and crashed into wagons. *Policeman 1: That's one runaway cucumber. *Policeman 2: Let's roll! *Hamlin: Stop your skateboard! *Huck: I don't know how to stop. *Policeman 1: We'll help ya. *(Policeman 1 stands on a treadmill) *(Policeman 2 runs into a photo booth) *(Huck twists his skateboard) *Huck: I am bored. You are a guh-nat. *Hamlin: Are you calling me a guh-nat?! Are you calling me stupid!? *Huck: Ahh, no. *Hamlin: You! Bow to me! (To policemen) You! Get in the wagon! *Huck: Ahh, no. *Hamlin: Bow! *Huck: No. *Hamlin: Bow! *Jude: Don't you dare call Huckleberry that! (Hamlin destroys Persia as they all hide) *Karen: I know that your bravery helped you defeat the Midianites with musical instruments and flashlights... *Huck: ...and I knew that you had to save people from being banished to the Island of Perpetual Tickling. *Karen: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLING HUCKLEBERRY LARRY A GUH-NAT, PROF. HAMLIN!!!!! *("Obscure Christmas Party with Scottish Larry" plays) *Mayor Asiris: Huck will never let this empress go free! *Empress: Hey! What are you doing? Untie me this instant! (Two men arrive) *Mayor Asiris: Anyone in the whole kingdom would be happy to help me. Empress or no empress. Aaah! *Man 1: Hello, sir. *Mayor Asiris: (Startled) W-w-w-ho are you? *Man 1: I am Jimmy, your royal servant! *Mayor Asiris: What are you doing here? I don't remember inviting... *Man 1: You're not going anywhere! Donald, sir! Let's tie him up! *Donald: Yes, sir. *(They do that) *Jimmy: Ya better study your Scottish Highland lilt. *Donald: 'Cuz you're going to Scotland tonight! Guards, bring him a kilt and some bagpipes! *(Later that night...) *Huck N.: I took every shortcut I thought up to get to a malt shop to get answers and even some I didn't have. *(Huck hops back as a truck drives over a mud puddle) *Malt Shop Owner: Can I help you, sir? *Huck: I need a couple things from you. First, a vanilla malt. I'm looking for clues, sir. *Malt Shop Owner: You're not the clueless type. *Huck: I'm on the trail of Hamlin. Someone's gotta stand up for him. *Malt Shop Owner: You're asking for trouble, are you? *Huck: I think that's a no. *Malt Shop Owner: Don't forget your malt. *Huck: I ordered it for me. *(Hamlin hops into the malt shop) *Malt Shop Owner: What will it be, sir? *Hamlin: I'll have what you were doing. Get in the wagon. *Malt Shop Owner: What!? *Hamlin: I've flooded it once, I'll flood it AGAIN! (Floods the malt shop with strawberry ice cream) Ha-ha-ha! Get in the wagon, Huck! *(Huck sails back to Mayor Asiris' palace) *Huck: I came back to assume you that the empress belongs to me... and not to you! *(The canvas wagon rides up and Huck and the empress hop back in along with the resemblance guy and his nephew. They all ride out of Persia and onto a boat to St. Louis) *Empress: How are you steering this thing? *Huck: I thought you were steering. *(Crowd - commotion) *Huck N.: Yes, it looks like everyone's headed for the St. Louis' World's Fair, according to Hamlin's plan. What? Where would you want the story to end? At the Mooselake Children's Museum? *(Huck, the Millward-resemblance person and his nephew and the empress swing into view on vines) *(Huck jumped into a log) *Announcer: Keep your legs and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Thank you. *(A guy suddenly faints) *(A guy wearing lederhosen and a wig and spoke Swedish hopped in a hot air balloon and took off) *Huck N.: I knew that guy was Little Jimmy. He barely got back in and took off. But the pea cut it and he fell to his death. I ran to a broken piece. *(Hamlin shows up) *Hamlin: THERE he is! It's that guh-nat! *Huck: I gotta escape. (Grabs vine) Hasta la vista! *Everyone at the world's fair: Go away! *(They swing to the amphitheater) *Huck: I'm Huckleberry Larry - and these are my good friends. *Hamlin: Aha! (To his guards) Kill that rhubarb and that pickle. I will be watching from a safe distance. I gotta score to settle. *Prospector, Jude, Karen and Men: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaagggggggggh!!!!!!! *Persian: Thanks a lot, Huck! We shoulda never left Persia! *(Everyone gripes) *Empress: How many can we fit on your buffalo? *Huck: Anybody bring any flip-flops? *(A few said "I did.") *Alvin: Sirs! *Empress: Can't you see that HAMLIN is giving up dust? He's gotta posse. *Persian 2: We'd be better off serving Asiris than being killed by Hamlin. *(Everyone angrily gripes even more) *Empress: Perhaps I should ride out and tell them to take it easy on us. *Simon: Yeah. *Theodore: That'd be pretty good! *Empress: Did anyone bring any torches and pitchforks? *Everyone: (Angrily) I DID! COUNT ME IN! I DID! *Huck N.: What would I do if they did that?! I had the answer. I and many Persians defeated them using musical instruments and flashlights, just like when I defeated the Midianites. (They do that) *Hamlin: You wouldn't dare! *Huck N.: I stopped Hamlin with a flashlight. He suddenly fainted. I thought it had been the worst day of my life. (Throws Hamlin, the men, and his guards in policeman's car) But I was wrong. *Policeman: I have been looking all over for years. Huckleberry Larry, keep up the good work! *Huck: I defeated that guy and those men. Now finally, I can marry you. *Huck N.: And so, the Persians were in attendance. *Church pastor: You may kiss the empress, Huck. *(Huck and the empress kiss each other.) *Huck: Ladies and gentlemen, I had my undercover disguise taken off and maybe I can arrange all of you to go to the Mississippi River with me - tonight. Pack your bags, we're going to the Mighty Mississippi. Come with me. All of you. *(Cut to Jimmy and Donald on a boat) *Jimmy: If you behave, Mr. Asiris, *Donald: maybe we'll let ya be the mayor again? Deal? *Mayor Asiris: Guid forenicht! Ah am mayur asiris. *Jimmy: Och mah goodness! *Donald: Can we tak' heem oan a dooble date wi' some scottish burds sae they can translate his scottish heelain accent? *Jimmy: (stares at the driver) Why did Donald and Chief Asiris already speak Scottish? *Captain: We're taking them to Scotland for the rest of their lives. *Jimmy: Does that mean... *Mayor Asiris: Aye! 'Tis true! (Cut to Huck and men on boat on the Mississippi River) *Huck: Madre de Dios! (Ringtone chiming) It's my friend, Tomato Sawyer. Heh. Hi, Tom! *Tom: (voiceover) Hey, Huck. How's it going? *Huck: It's goin' pretty good. Good thing Papa didn't want to hear this anyway. *Tom: (V.O.) Would you tell me already? *Huck: The empress and I married each other. *Tom: (V.O.) So you defeated Hamlin with a horn and a flashlight. *Huck: Look, I'm retiring. *Tom: (V.O.) What do you mean you're retiring? You just married the empress! And now, you're breaking up!?! *Huck: I'm sorry to tell, but I will live on the banks with you. *Tom: (V.O.) You'll be working on Jerkyland. *Huck: Right-o. And you will be working on a tax preparation office. *Tom: (V.O.) Catch ya later. *Huck: Alright. Goodbye. (Closes cellphone) *Huck N.: Up to the last minute, I worried that everyone would think I was a big loser. But like an angel said, it's important to do what's right. Because I followed his advice, many of the Persians would volunteer to clean up Persia after Hamlin destroyed it. In Conclusion, Everyone... I hope you enjoyed the story. If you're still wondering about the weird elements in this, I first came up with this in the spring of 2013. Then I had some time to work out some early drafts, first referring to Huckleberry Larry's life after he helped Little Jimmy find his mama, and later referring to how he was trained to become an action hero. Do not worry though, he is still a river-rambling hero! But I nearly lied so I had done a stained glass template of the video. Long story short, but the elements were still ironic. If you just read this paragraph and are totally confused, sorry about that. Category:Transcript